


i'll wish, i'll wait.

by Ethereally



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: First Love, M/M, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-21
Updated: 2015-08-21
Packaged: 2018-04-16 10:24:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,805
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4621779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ethereally/pseuds/Ethereally
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I don't fall in love very easily. It takes a long time, and then, when I have fallen in love, I'm still not sure. I'm suspicious of myself. What if tomorrow I don't feel the same? I have to wait, to be sure. And I wait and wait." - Joey Comeau</p><p>Sometimes, Kuroo wonders what kissing Kenma would be like.</p>
            </blockquote>





	i'll wish, i'll wait.

It’s a gentle prod at first, the realization that he might be in like. They’re riding the train home together after practice one day, sitting side by side, elbows touching like they always do. Kuroo leans over Kenma’s shoulder, watching him play on his handheld game console. Kuroo’s eyes glaze over the two characters interacting on the screen, a boy and a girl, hands intertwined. In love, like boys and girls are supposed to be.

“That’s cute,” he mutters, bumping Kenma lightly. “Wishful thinking?”

Kenma shrugs. Kuroo snickers in return.

"Wish I could be so lucky." He isn't interested in girls; he's not really interested in anyone, not in the way that he’s supposed to be, anyway. Kissing and cuddling’s fine and all, but it isn’t as though he particularly craves it. Though he has leaned in so close that his face is almost touching Kenma's, he realizes with a jolt. It would be easy, far too easy for him to lean in and capture Kenma's lips in a soft kiss.

The thought gives him a strange, unfamiliar fluttering in his stomach, not quite butterflies but far more pleasant than snakes. His eyes widen.

_What am I thinking._

No. Not here, not now. He's too smart, too cautious to linger on that thought. Kenma's eyes are trained on the screen and he is hammering the buttons like a whack-a-mole at the arcade, so Kuroo pulls himself back upright, flooding his thoughts with volleyball and serving and speaking of serves, what is his dad making for dinner tonight.

Everything is normal and his heart rate has calmed when he and Kenma part ways at the station, all thoughts of the moment pushed into the snowy streets of Tokyo.

\----

They find themselves in Kenma's room a few months later, Kuroo leafing through a book while Kenma has his nose buried in another handheld video game. From what he's managed to see by looking over Kenma's shoulder, he's managed to deduce that it's a fighting fantasy, one with mages and castles and monsters with piercing green eyes.

Kenma's eyes are narrowed in concentration as he punches the buttons on his machine. They're both lying on his wooden floor, sprawled out in front of the fan like two wet dishrags laid out to dry. It’s hardly comfortable, but that’s where the air is and therefore where he’s going to find Kenma. His best friend is right: summer is too hot and winter is too cold, though Kuroo will never stop teasing him about this claim. Kuroo wipes a bead of sweat off his brow.

"How's it going on your end?"

"Can't defeat this boss," Kenma mumbles, not looking up from his game. Which is fine by Kuroo, considering he's supposed to be enjoying this book. It's by an author he likes with the kind of plot that appeals to him, but the words won't seem to lift themselves from the page. Kuroo sighs, slamming the book shut.

"Well I can't get past this page, so we're even." Might be the weather, he thinks, narrowing his eyes. They could move to Kenma's living room where they have air-conditioning and they would be free from all possible obstacles. His best friend isn't going to budge, though. It's too much effort. Kuroo nudges Kenma in his side.

"Think I could rip the AC from its socket and lug it up here to us?”

Kenma frowns. His fingers are dancing across the keypad with trained precision.

“Don’t even try.”

Kuroo laughs.

“I was kidding. But there are couches and stuff downstairs. Sure you don't want to move?"

Kenma waves a hand in the direction of his bed.

"We don't have to lie on the floor if you don't want."

Kuroo’s gaze falls onto the light pink sheets with white fluffy pillows. Flopping onto Kenma’s mattress seems like a very appealing option right now, especially considering how sore his back is. The bed is comfortable, accessible, but most of all close to the window where there is some fresh air. He drums his fingers on the wooden floorboards.

"But the fan is too far from your bed. It’ll be hot."

A roaring sound emerges from Kenma’s game console, followed by a noise that sounds like shattered glass. Kuroo leans over; the words “Game Over” flash across his best friend’s screen. Kenma sets the game down with a loud clunk. He glances at Kuroo, then at the whirring fan.

"You can move it if you want."

“What about you?”

Kenma shrugs.

“I’ll just move on the bed with you.”

The idea that they are about to share a bed in some form crosses his mind briefly, but Kuroo shoves it aside. It isn’t as though they’ll be sleeping in it anyway. Wordlessly, he unplugs the fan and brings it next to the bed, turning it on and flopping in front of it like a limp fish. Kenma trots after him, falling onto the bed and curling up next to where Kuroo lies.

Kuroo swallows the lump in his throat.

“Are you sure you don’t want… I’m not blocking the wind from you, am I?” It makes more sense for Kenma to be next to the fan. Kuroo is taller, stockier, a perfect human barricade between Kenma and the mild gust.

His best friend responds with a noncommital grunt.

Kuroo can feel Kenma’s breath on the back of his neck, listen to the thumping of his childhood friend’s heartbeat. He wonders what it would be like to have Kenma wrap his arms around his waist and pull closer to him, press his body by his like lovers do in books. He bites his lip.

It’s just a passing thought. Just an idea. He’s going crazy thanks to the heat. Where’s his book when he needs it? He notices it half-open on the other side of the room. Damn. Kuroo shifts slightly, from left to right—well, now he’s too comfortable to go and get it. So he drowns his thoughts out to the sound of a digitized battle cry, and the rapid mashing of buttons.

\----

Lev is loud, but in a different way from Kuroo. Their new recruit is boisterous and brazen, all arms and legs, a fluffy, large white cat curled up next to the milk bowl. Kuroo is the one that caught the canary, years of trained confidence starting to manifest in something real. It's in the way he walks, back upright and steps quiet, matched with a voice resolute and firm. Fake it till you make it, he used to say.

He'd like to think he's made it now.

Doubt reaches out an icy hand to shake his composure.

It's just training, he whispers under his breath, studying Lev and Kenma from the other side of the court. Kenma sets a ball to their junior, which Lev manages to completely swerve in the other direction. Kenma quirks a brow, then a smile. Kuroo quickly turns away.

He concentrates the queasy sensation into an imaginary ball under his foot, channeling every ounce of negativity into something he can crush under his heel. Kenma's spending more and more time with Lev, it's training, it's just training. That's all there is.

There is a gust of wind by his face and the thud of a volleyball slamming into the wall behind him. A laugh resonates from the other side of the court and Kuroo jolts up to see Lev doubled over, practically shaking with glee. Kenma's smile has grown wider. Kuroo can tell, even though his best friend is covering his mouth with both hands.

The ball of rage fizzes, shakes with electricity, then swells to twice its size.

Lev doesn't seem to notice.

"The ball almost hit you, senpai!" He is laughing, still laughing. Kenma has removed his hands from his face and crawls under the net to retrieve the volleyball, though the grin on his face has not faded.

Kuroo manages to fake a smirk.

"You got it to this side of the court. That's a start."

Lev pumps a fist into the air.

"Thanks!"

Kuroo takes a deep breath. He needs it, when he feels like someone has shoved him in the chest and punched the air out of his lungs. Lev is a good kid, undoubtedly a better person than the self-proclaimed king of provocation. And, as Kuroo realizes with a heavy, painful, lurch, he can make Kenma smile.

He'd be good for Kenma.

There is a fiery swelling in the pit of his gut that he fights to ignore. Kuroo _likes_ Lev, enjoys watching him bound around like a kitten with a new toy mouse. He's chatted with the kid time after time, strolled with him and Kenma to the train station after practice before they parted ways. The bubbling fury can't be contained under his heel, so he clenches his fist, feeling his nails dig into his flesh.

_Don't think about it._

_What's wrong with you?_

Kuroo scrambles to his feet. This is ridiculous. _Pull yourself together--_

He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath.

The thought of Lev running his fingers through Kenma's hair flashes past his eyes. Bile spurts up to the back of his throat.

_No._

"Senpai, are you okay--"

He vaguely hears Lev calling out for him. In his frantic madness, he manages to nod, mutter something under his breath. Then he hears Kenma's voice, soft and calm, quiet but determined.

"Kuro."

He's hardly going to scamper from here. This isn't a visual novel, nor one of Kenma's games, nor a sports manga where the heroes always win. Besides, he's hardly a hero. He raises a hand and holds up five fingers, mustering up the energy to smile.

"Five more serves!"

\---

Kenma's still fighting the same boss on the way back on the train. Kuroo says nothing for once, though he leans over his best friend's shoulder like he always does.

The scorpion's eyes crackle with rage, striking down Kenma's entire party with a single icy blast.

Kuroo narrows his eyes. He’s watched Kenma fight this battle time and time again, each battle lasting just a few seconds longer than the last. There’s got to be something there, something Kenma has failed to notice: somehow, despite his all-seeing, all-knowing analysis of his world, his best friend has missed a crucial detail right in front of him.

He scrambles to his desktop computer as soon as he gets home, opening a web browser and Googling the solution.

_The scorpion’s tail lights up before he attacks._

“Oh my god.”

Kuroo leans back in his chair, shaking his head with disbelief.

“That’s it? That’s all there is to it?”

He can’t help but laugh, burying his face in his hands. Come to think of it, this was just like Kenma. Kenma had probably overanalyzed the entire situation, resulting in his missing out on something right underneath his nose. Had he not even thought of Googling how to defeat this boss? _Maybe he’s too lazy. Perhaps it’s gamer’s pride. Google has the answer to everything._

Kuroo pauses. It’s quite possible that Google might be able to answer this. The thought has flitted in and out of his mind over and over, but after this afternoon’s events it’s far too raw, too real. Hands shaking, Kuroo types out the words:

**Do I have a crush on my best friend?**

_If you actually bothered to do this search, the answer is probably yes._

Kuroo’s heart stops. His face may as well be on fire.

\---

Kuroo doesn’t say anything about the boss monster on the way to school the next day. He has to give Kenma credit for persistence; he’s pretty certain that he would have given up on fighting the same scorpion over and over again a long time ago. It’s kind of adorable, he can’t help but think.

The insides of his stomach start tying itself in knots.

Kuroo swallows the lump in his throat. The more he thinks about it, the harder it is to avoid. This is what a crush is, isn’t it? The butterflies, the nervousness, the getting jealous when he thinks about them dating somebody else. The acting like an idiot and his Google sea—okay, he isn’t even going to complete that thought. His cheeks flush slightly and he thanks whatever higher being there is that Kenma isn’t a super hacker in disguise. Even if he was, he’d be too lazy to pry through Kuroo’s dubious search history anyway, or so Kuroo hopes.

At least he has a full day of school ahead of him, then volleyball practice. There are distractions, plenty of distractions to keep his mind away from the thought of Kenma’s soft lips, and his own pressed against them.

\---

“Something’s wrong.”

The air kisses their cheeks with a light breeze, and Kuroo can hear the rustling of falling leaves in the distance. The sun is still bright and radiant, a signal that summer isn’t quite over: he hopes that Kenma blames it for the sudden rush of blood to his cheeks.

_Be chill. Stay cool._

Kuroo raises a trained brow.

“What are you talking about?”

His tone is neutral, his voice calm. Never mind that his heart rate has sped up like the revving of an old car engine, spitting and sputtering so loudly he can barely hear his thoughts. Though maybe this isn’t about his stupid crush, he realizes with a jolt. Kuroo frowns, brows knotting with concern.

“Is everything okay?”

Kenma nods.

“I’m fine. I’m asking about you.” He tilts his head to his side. “You’ve been acting weird.”

Kuroo gulps, swallowing the lump in his throat. Had Kenma noticed? Was he really so obvious? Now his pulse is speeding at the pace of a loud motorboat, revving so quickly that his heartbeat rushes into a blur. He takes a deep breath, pushing his worry down to the pit of his stomach. An uneasy laugh escapes Kuroo’s lips.

“I can’t hide anything from you, can I?”

Kenma’s eyes widen. If Kuroo was red before, he is now a fetching shade of crimson that matches his jersey perfectly. Somehow, he manages to find his voice buried beneath his throat.

It’s now or never.

"I want-- I'd like to make you as happy as one of your video games.”

Kenma’s lips part. His jaw drops, but Kuroo keeps rambling on. Now the floodgates have been opened, he can’t stop himself.

“I don’t even think I completely realized I liked you until, like, the summer. But I can’t really pick a time when I started to like you. It’s almost like it’s been a constant.” Is this one of Kenma’s datesims? Because if there is an option for “turn tail and run”, he’s pretty sure that any sane player would have selected it at this stage. Kuroo can feel the sweat between his shoulderblades and his heart thumping against his ribcage: wow, he is nervous. He’s a wreck. He clenches his fists.

“I’m not really asking. For anything, I guess. I just wanted to let you know.”

Now he’s done with his spiel, he can’t help but notice that Kenma’s cheeks are also rosy red. His best friend shifts from side to side like he wants to say something, lips moving like they’re about to form words, but nothing comes out.

For once, Kuroo also feels like he’s run out of things to say. They must be a sight, just staring at each other slackjawed, blushing like they’ve got the worst sunburn on this side of summer. He hears nothing but the gushing of his pulse.

It is Kenma who manages to break the silence.

“I. Uh.” His best friend looks away, averting his gaze. “I feel the same way. I thought. I thought you—I thought you wouldn’t like me back, if at all.”

“Oh my god.” Kuroo’s face lights up; he can feel his lips stretching into a wide grin. “Wait. Oh my god. I. I want to kiss you. Can I kiss you--”

“Sure?” Kenma begins, but Kuroo won’t let him finish his sentence. He lunges forward, pressing his lips against soft skin, just the way he’d imagined so many times by this point now. It’s everything he ever dreamed of, only Kenma isn’t kissing back and… Oh.

Kuroo pulls away, flushing.

_Oh god, I’m going to have to work on my technique._

Kenma’s eyes are narrowed. He lifts a hand to his face, wiping saliva off his nose.

“You missed.”

His best friend’s cheeks are still rosy but now they’re slightly puffed out, almost like a chipmunk’s. Kenma crosses his arms, and Kuroo covers both his hands with his face. This is it. His first kiss. You don’t get to do this over—

But you press continue, and play on.

“Let me do it right this time.”

 

(and he does.)

**Author's Note:**

> it was chinese valentine's day yesterday.


End file.
